It is amazing what 11 years will do for a point of view.
Not being full of myself in anyway, I’m sharing from my heart, because I see a lot of people hurting seemingly searching for “the right one”, or for “more” or are sad about where they are in their life right now.
Love is difficult. but when you bring baggage and neurodiversities to the table..it makes it even harder.
I don’t wanna be that ” look at her all up in her perfect life telling ME how to be happy” because my life is far from perfect. I just chose not to look at it that way. I wanted to share what 11 years has taught me…If you care to know…read on.
If you are reading books on the meaning of life, how to be happy, how to find the person of your dreams and other books promising you the answer, but still can’t seem to find real love no matter how many people you date. Or, you think the relationship you are in sucks because it is too boring, you fight too much, neither of you look as good as you once did and have grown too far apart emotionally, or the kids are too much work, and you sadly wonder if there is more to life than crunchy cheerios in the carpet, and paying the bills, there is a simple answer.
Change your mind. That’s it. Just change how you look at it.
As a kid growing up with ADHD and other neurodiversities, I had a rough time. I wasn’t the pretty girl, or popular, i fact I was considered to be “non datable” and was the fat girl in school. Graduation could not come soon enough. I HATED SCHOOL. I moved away from home at 18 as soon as I graduated from high school hoping to find happiness and maybe find my Wesley to save me, since he wasn’t coming to get me.
I ended up married to a man 13 years older then me. Fast forward a few years and I was 23 & newly divorced from a guy I married for financial security and the wedding party. Yes I readily admit I married to have the party, the gown, the reception, the gifts…I was 20,it’s what all little girls want. I fooled myself and settled early cause I didn’t figure anyone would want ME.
Evidently, we could not have children together, and that was all I really wanted anyway…because babies would love me unconditionally, and I grieved the loss of three pregnancies in those years.
Coming out of that marriage, I was broken, and hurt, and reading those dating books and magazine articles, thinking no one would EVER REALLY love me. So, I decided to stop looking, and work on me.
I’m not sure why it happened the way did for me, because I had a LOT of work on me to do, but when I simply decided to stop looking for validation from someone else for my worth,my soul mate came into my life instantly. It turns out I needed him in my life to do that growing, which I’m still doing today!
So, read the following and decide right now to STOP LOOKING, and love yourself. Because everything else after that, is a bonus.
1)Be yourself. if you don’t like who you are, make the changes needed to love who you are and make no apologies for who you are to anyone. Love yourself enough to be true to yourself and hold out for the right one who will love you for who you are. Not love you for the “dating made up you” you stop being after the wedding, I mean the REAL “this is how I look with the flu” you. Don’t settle…no matter what. Make damn sure you love HIM/HER for real too. Stop searching so hard, and just let it happen, you never know when “the one” is going to show up, and where that might be. When you listen to true love stories of long time married couples, the “how we met” stories vary greatly. You’ll know if he/she is the one…even if everyone around you is telling you otherwise.
2)Realize how wonderful a person he/she really is for loving YOU, and DON’T RUN AWAY IN FEAR. If you do, be brave enough to ask to come back, if it is real love, you’ll get it back.
3)Hang onto him/her forever NO MATTER WHAT, but don’t marry him/her unless you REALLY believe in for better or worse, sickness & health, and REALLY REALLY know what that means.
4)Be comfortable in your own skin, THAT is what makes you sexy, no matter what you wear, or weight
5)Love him completely everyday & he’ll love you back. Even when you are mad, think of a reason you love him.
6)Never go to bed angry, even if it means staying up till dawn working it out. really and truly, this is very important. It doesn’t mater how tired you are the next day.
7)While you are looking for him/her… Don’t care if EVERY MAN/WOMAN falls in love with you. Just care that the RIGHT man/woman stays in love with you when you find them. If you follow these tips, you’ll soon know the difference.
8)If other’s envy you for finding your true love and being happy in ANY circumstance that came your way…be compassionate and tell them how they can have it too. If they can’t hear it right now, it’s just not the right time for them to hear it.
9)Realize real love is not like it is in the movies, so don’t base it on the romantic movies you watch and wish for fairy tales.
10) Like the rest of life, love it is real, and funny and happy and sad, and can hurt, and can make you soar like your flying high. It can hurt like you are being burned by the sun.
Real love endures EVERY moment in life, no matter what that moment brings you. It doesn’t run away when it gets tough. Sometimes it might start to run away, but then it comes back.
Even when you think that you are so close to letting it slip away, or giving up out of fear, anger, frustration, hurt, real love will be there, enduring every moment with you.
If you are in a moment in your life that is hurting deeply right now and this seems impossible to you. Save it anyway, and come back to it now and then. One day you’ll be saying it too.
Real love takes WORK, it is not something that just IS. It might be work, but it is SOOOO worth it… every single moment of it. Yes even the bad moments, because they help define the good and the great moments.
If you asked me how I know, I’ll tell you….11 years ago tonight I found real love, and we’ve been through all those things, and will be again and again, and the one thing I DO know is that when we go to sleep at night ( or at 6 am because we had things to hash out) we go to bed loving each other, and when we wake up in the morning, we greet another day knowing we have each others back, while holding each others hand facing the world together.
If you have don’t have that, you can. It’s not a fairy tale. Like making it to the Olympics. it takes work, and practice. Or, perhaps you already do have that and because it is not packaged up nice like a romantic movie, you don’t recognize it, or you simply forgot in the hecticness of day to day living.
There have been a lot of real moments in the last 11 years…and everyone is important, but the top moments for me have been when he first kissed me, touching his hand to my face like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, when he caught our daughter at her birth, when he caught our son when he was born, and every moment in between when he caught me because I stumbled or fell.
That my friends, is what can’t really be put in a book about “Mars and Venus”, and sell as “how to find the perfect mate” because it is not gimmicky and won’t make the top bestsellers list or Oprah’s book club choice of the month about how to tell if a guy is “not that into you”
Love YOURSELF, and you will be loved back.
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