Monthly Archives: August 2009

GPOYWTHIITTBISUSICAWTMS…My Highschool Graduation Photo. I was 18

(GPOY… wednesday, tho here it is technically Thursday, but I’m still up so it counts as Wednesday to me still.)

This is just a few quick camera phone pics I snapped today while drivin to and from the city. To show you the scenery we pass by every day.

Lake Ontario, Beautiful Trees, farm stands selling delicious fruits and veggies and the like

It is amazing what 11 years will do for a point of view.

Not being full of myself in anyway, I’m sharing from my heart, because I see a lot of people hurting seemingly searching for “the right one”, or for “more” or are sad about where they are in their life right now.

Love is difficult. but when you bring baggage and neurodiversities to the table..it makes it even harder.

I don’t wanna be that ” look at her all up in her perfect life telling ME how to be happy” because my life is far from perfect. I just chose not to look at it that way. I wanted to share what 11 years has taught me…If you care to know…read on.

If you are reading books on the meaning of life, how to be happy, how to find the person of your dreams and other books promising you the answer, but still can’t seem to find real love no matter how many people you date. Or, you think the relationship you are in sucks because it is too boring, you fight too much, neither of you look as good as you once did and have grown too far apart emotionally, or the kids are too much work, and you sadly wonder if there is more to life than crunchy cheerios in the carpet, and paying the bills, there is a simple answer.

Change your mind. That’s it. Just change how you look at it.

As a kid growing up with ADHD and other neurodiversities, I had a rough time. I wasn’t the pretty girl, or popular, i fact I was considered to be “non datable” and was the fat girl in school. Graduation could not come soon enough. I HATED SCHOOL. I moved away from home at 18 as soon as I graduated from high school hoping to find happiness and maybe find my Wesley to save me, since he wasn’t coming to get me.

I ended up married to a man 13 years older then me. Fast forward a few years and I was 23 & newly divorced from a guy I married for financial security and the wedding party. Yes I readily admit I married to have the party, the gown, the reception, the gifts…I was 20,it’s what all little girls want. I fooled myself and settled early cause I didn’t figure anyone would want ME.

Evidently, we could not have children together, and that was all I really wanted anyway…because babies would love me unconditionally, and I grieved the loss of three pregnancies in those years.

Coming out of that marriage, I was broken, and hurt, and reading those dating books and magazine articles, thinking no one would EVER REALLY love me. So, I decided to stop looking, and work on me.

I’m not sure why it happened the way did for me, because I had a LOT of work on me to do, but when I simply decided to stop looking for validation from someone else for my worth,my soul mate came into my life instantly. It turns out I needed him in my life to do that growing, which I’m still doing today!

So, read the following and decide right now to STOP LOOKING, and love yourself. Because everything else after that, is a bonus.

1)Be yourself. if you don’t like who you are, make the changes needed to love who you are and make no apologies for who you are to anyone. Love yourself enough to be true to yourself and hold out for the right one who will love you for who you are. Not love you for the “dating made up you” you stop being after the wedding, I mean the REAL “this is how I look with the flu” you. Don’t settle…no matter what. Make damn sure you love HIM/HER for real too. Stop searching so hard, and just let it happen, you never know when “the one” is going to show up, and where that might be. When you listen to true love stories of long time married couples, the “how we met” stories vary greatly. You’ll know if he/she is the one…even if everyone around you is telling you otherwise.

2)Realize how wonderful a person he/she really is for loving YOU, and DON’T RUN AWAY IN FEAR. If you do, be brave enough to ask to come back, if it is real love, you’ll get it back.

3)Hang onto him/her forever NO MATTER WHAT, but don’t marry him/her unless you REALLY believe in for better or worse, sickness & health, and REALLY REALLY know what that means.

4)Be comfortable in your own skin, THAT is what makes you sexy, no matter what you wear, or weight

5)Love him completely everyday & he’ll love you back. Even when you are mad, think of a reason you love him.

6)Never go to bed angry, even if it means staying up till dawn working it out. really and truly, this is very important. It doesn’t mater how tired you are the next day.

7)While you are looking for him/her… Don’t care if EVERY MAN/WOMAN falls in love with you. Just care that the RIGHT man/woman stays in love with you when you find them. If you follow these tips, you’ll soon know the difference.

8)If other’s envy you for finding your true love and being happy in ANY circumstance that came your way…be compassionate and tell them how they can have it too. If they can’t hear it right now, it’s just not the right time for them to hear it.

9)Realize real love is not like it is in the movies, so don’t base it on the romantic movies you watch and wish for fairy tales.

10) Like the rest of life, love it is real, and funny and happy and sad, and can hurt, and can make you soar like your flying high. It can hurt like you are being burned by the sun.

Real love endures EVERY moment in life, no matter what that moment brings you. It doesn’t run away when it gets tough. Sometimes it might start to run away, but then it comes back.

Even when you think that you are so close to letting it slip away, or giving up out of fear, anger, frustration, hurt, real love will be there, enduring every moment with you.

If you are in a moment in your life that is hurting deeply right now and this seems impossible to you. Save it anyway, and come back to it now and then. One day you’ll be saying it too.

Real love takes WORK, it is not something that just IS. It might be work, but it is SOOOO worth it… every single moment of it. Yes even the bad moments, because they help define the good and the great moments.

If you asked me how I know, I’ll tell you….11 years ago tonight I found real love, and we’ve been through all those things, and will be again and again, and the one thing I DO know is that when we go to sleep at night ( or at 6 am because we had things to hash out) we go to bed loving each other, and when we wake up in the morning, we greet another day knowing we have each others back, while holding each others hand facing the world together.

If you have don’t have that, you can. It’s not a fairy tale. Like making it to the Olympics. it takes work, and practice. Or, perhaps you already do have that and because it is not packaged up nice like a romantic movie, you don’t recognize it, or you simply forgot in the hecticness of day to day living.

There have been a lot of real moments in the last 11 years…and everyone is important, but the top moments for me have been when he first kissed me, touching his hand to my face like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, when he caught our daughter at her birth, when he caught our son when he was born, and every moment in between when he caught me because I stumbled or fell.

That my friends, is what can’t really be put in a book about “Mars and Venus”, and sell as “how to find the perfect mate” because it is not gimmicky and won’t make the top bestsellers list or Oprah’s book club choice of the month about how to tell if a guy is “not that into you”

Love YOURSELF, and you will be loved back.

Homeschoolers can be bullied too…….

So the 4 yo comes downstairs today and says “look mom, sissy drew a happy face on my back!” all excited, and I look at his back and it said that ( look at my butt hole)

I wasn’t happy she was writing on him in the first place, but now I’m ticked that she did that to the poor kid.

She thinks this is quite funny and is still giggling her ass off….the poor kid ( 4 yo) didn’t know the difference.

This just shows you that even homeschoolers can be bullied. I told her the next time she does that I’m taking a permanent marker and writing “dorkfish” on her forehead and making her wear it around for everyone to see for a week.

would you send your kid to the “spurt n’ squirt” daycare? This was posted at our local grocery store…NO JOKE..

can you say FAIL

This is what happens when you post a tweet on facebook as your status

I reposted a “mama ain’t happy” type of tweet on my facebook as a status for a joke and got “related ad” content posted to the side for me LMAO

campfires rock! campfires cooking hotdogs so mom can get out of making supper rock even harder.

*I* should know better…I had a nephew from my first marriage die from fatigue driving 3 months before our wedding. He was supposed to be our groomsmen. Driving home after a long shift at work, and visiting his girlfriend, at 5 am, he fell alseep. Just like that… Gone.

*I* SHOULD know better…In our rural area, last year a well respected, well known  business man, driving in the wee hours of the morning along a straight stretch, getting close to home, fell asleep, and hit a tree.  Just like that…Gone.

I have family who are long haul truckers, who have to follow rules to stop and rest….I’ve driven from Nova Scotia to Ontario straight through MANY times, sharing shifts at the wheel when we each got tired…so  if anybody should….*I* SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

I would never dream of drinking and driving…but when you’re tired…eh, who’s NOT tired this day and age right?

It’s been 3 busy days for me…during a very hot spell this summer, and I’ve had a terrible time going to sleep, and getting terrible sleep at best of the 6 to 7 hours I’ve gotten the last 2 nights. I could give you all the reasons WHY I’m tired, but we all have them. I’m on my period, so I’m more scatter brained, the joys of ADD to add to the whole situation.

But, even when you are tired you do what you need to do, and we needed bread,milk and eggs,some other essentials, and a new door for our house that we need to install before winter.

Home Depot had a door on sale, and we new it was ‘now or never” purchase opportunity. I was tired before we left around supper time. I was cranky, and hot…the kids were driving me nuts all day, being tired and cranky and hot too.

The city is about 35 minute drive from where we live. Due to my husband’s illness,  I’m the driver in our family. Shopping under the stress of tired whiny kids, while I am tired just wears me out more. But this is usual, and we knew this ahead of time, but we went, because we had to. We did what we needed to do hopping at 4 different stores over a 4 hour time period or so. On the way out of the city we grabbed some fast food to eat on the way home.

We sat in the van to eat it, and then I started our 35 or so minute drive home on dark two lane rural roads on a Friday night after 11 pm

My husband mentions to me that he hates driving home at this hour because you never know what kind of idiot is out trying to drive home drunk. This is a fact I’d considered based on the fact that the drive into the city during  daylight hours didn’t inspire any confidence by the way the oncoming traffic was being reckless trying to pass in badly chosen places, tail gating and speeding etc.

Traffic is not heavy, but for a Friday night in a rural/tourist area, it is steady enough with oncoming cars.

Some people are forgetting to turn off their high beams at the right time and are practically blinding me, making my already exhausted brain need to concentrate more to not be drawn to their lights like a moth to a flame. That really aggravates me, too, it’ is not like they don’t know I’m coming.

So, I pay attention to the corner of the pavement I’m driving on in my lane to avoid looking right at the headlights, to ensure I pass safely. I’m aware than I move a little to the right each time an oncoming car passes me. I’m trying to be safe.

I drive half way home sipping warm coke from a can, eating sweets and talking to my husband, shifting positions, doing what I need to to stay alert and awake. He hardly drives these days due to his disability, and he’s in a lot of pain today. I don’t want to ask him to drive. He’s tweeting on his Black Berry to a friend and telling me about the conversation to keep me alert.

We were not far from our destination. which is  “just going home from grocery and home repair supply shopping”. He’s tweeting on his cell phone. Just another shopping trip. I’m always tired anyway.

He mentions I’m swerving a bit on the road. I say “I’m fine hon, just a bit tired”. It’s a reminder for me to pay closer attention. He says, its starting to freak him out a bit.

I decide half way home to stop & try to jar some adrenaline into my system, even though adrenalin is short lived, it’s worked before, and we are closer to home. I did jumping jacks, breathed fresh air, stretched, jogged a bit back and forth, drank more caffeine…just like countless other times that always work.

I get back in the van, and it’s ok, though I still am needing to concentrate more then I usually need to.

We make it to the little town just a few more minutes from where we live rurally, and I tell myself, it’s not far now…I think my brain starts to let it’s guard down now due to this knowledge.

We drive through the one main street of our town, checking out the lack of action going on in our little town at almost midnight.

I don’t even realize I’m having a micro dose until i “wake” from one. It feels like I’m not even really ever NOT aware of what’s going on, and no one else notices. A little more adrenaline makes my heart pump a bit, and makes me more alert, and I drive past the Tim Horton’s.

When I dozed this time Just a few feet up the street, my husband screamed my name and grabbed the wheel to jerk the wheel to the left miss a parked car in front of the flower shop I just about plowed into going 50 KLM, with no ability to brake for impact because I don;t see it coming.

He tells me to pull over now.

I do.

I’m in such a mental state of shock that I dozed that long or bad, that my heart is not even pounding. I notice my state of tired, and wonder how it got to that point.

I apologize, and we take a moment for HIM to slow his heart rate. I’m grateful he’s not freaking out on me. I mean we just avoided an accident. a very serious accident.What if he had been asleep like sometimes he does on the way home. What if that had of happened while we were on the road doing 70 to 80 KLM with oncoming traffic!

I’m too tired to even have adrenaline over that jar and have my heart pound so hard I can hear my heart beat in my head.

We switch and he drives home the last 10 klm. I’m grateful he does, I’m so exhausted I doze on and off on the way home, now suddenly jarring awake here and there worrying about HIM being awake enough to drive home. He’s fine, not sleepy, just in pain from his illness. I feel out of my element in the passenger side of our van, where I rarely sit but am releived to be right then.

When we get home, I bring in everything that we bought, door included, the kids go to bed and then crash…I have sleep to catch up on and I suck much! and don’t tell me I don’t.

When I woke up this morning, the slider door on the van was open, because I’d forgotten and left i open when taking our sleeping son up to bed.

The sobering effects of this event have not Left me, and I won’t allow them to.

And I wrote this, so hopefully YOU won’t either.

Stop depriving yourself of sleep. And Don’t Drive if you are feeling that tired.

To Husband and the kids…I’m sorry.

To my husband… thankyou.

Some fatigue Driving facts

A report produced by the Highway Safety Roundtable, compiles some of the latest available research on the consequences of driver fatigue. It linked to the deaths of some 400 Canadians every year to driver fatigue.

“The message is very clear that a lot more Canadians are driving tired on our roads than anyone has ever thought before, or ever wanted to admit before, and it is a very serious road safety issue. We really have to be a lot more aware of the dangers of fatigue than we have been up until now.”

-Mark Yakabuski, president of the Insurance Bureau of Canada.

Research based on Ontario traffic data suggests a long day at work could be triggering collisions, since most accidents involving fatigue occur between 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. and on Fridays.

The most fatal fatigue-related crashes occur between 1 a.m. and 7 a.m.

“Fatigue is likely being under-reported, because police don’t have a good way to determine when it is a factor in a crash – unless drivers admit they were fatigued” – Yoassry Elzohairy, senior safety research adviser for the Ontario Ministry of Transportation.

A 2005 study also found one in five drivers admitted to falling asleep behind the wheel during the previous 12 months.

Triple hugs while out looking at the lightning tonight. This was while I was tweeting to TMO in the car with the boy on my lap and he was  worried about daddy and sissy. Wish i could UPLOAD from my phone, like some unnamed people with blackberries i know around here… grumble

ya, I HATE usually when people take pictures of pictures, but I found this in a box the other night and didn’t have tme to scan it.

GPOYW

3 years old, doing “the fonz” happy days was my favorite show. And I don’t remember the Shark episode.